The Same Love

I could just stare at this face all day. This was taken two months ago. His eyes are bigger now, as are his eyelashes and he is in a constant state of smiling. Yet my adoration of him has not waned. It was tested, mind you, with the whole throwing up on me for a week and trying to stop breathing shenanigans but we persevered and I still cannot imagine my life without him. How did I not know he was waiting to come to us to cuddle with me, beam at his brother and become obsessed with Norman? 

I do a lot of thinking about the challenges and joys of having two kids. It is so stressful and crazy yet sweet and surprising. I read the below on another blog and thought it summed up having a two kids pretty nicely. 

"The earth shakes when the doctor places your firstborn in your arms. Your love for him is colored by terror because you are positive that he is going to die with each passing minute. You bring him home understanding that the Universe has made a mistake, that someone more qualified, more motherly will show up to retrieve him soon. So while you wait, you play house for awhile. You do not trust that he will be able to navigate his world. You eye his doctors, his playmates, his teachers, even his grandparents with great suspicion. Will they be gentle enough with him? He is so sensitive.

Holding your second, you become human again. You are elated and concerned. Your firstborn is replaced. You can’t look at or listen to both of your babies at the same time. So you look at your baby while talking about your firstborn. You say, hold on honey far too many times. Your guilt is relentless. How will you convince them both that they are the center of your universe? 

This new angel seems like a stranger at first, and then your firstborn does. Suddenly he appears to be a giant. You wonder when he’ll start pulling his weight already. You are worried you’ll never find your balance. What is the right division of time, love, attention, fear, worry?

But then again, you have your moments. When they smile at each other, when big retrieves little's toy, touches his hair, tickles his feet. When you hear two giggles coming from the family room for the first time. When you and your husband look at the two of them on the floor and exchange a glance that means – look at what we did. We’re doing it. We’re making a family. "