A Year in Time

A year ago I didn't know if the baby in my belly was Zachary or Caroline,

Now I feel like he was always Zachary.

A year ago I didn't know what type of mother I would be,

Now I am the type of mother who whispers in her baby's ear that she loves him, who kisses him constantly even when he is snotty and who lets him fall and then tells him he is fine. Because really, he is.

A year ago I didn't know what it was like to be totally exposed to an operating room full of people.

Now I know that next time I want Alex in there with me sooner than he was allowed this time. He was the only thing holding me together - not literally, that was Dr. Faro's job.

A year ago I didn't get to hold my baby,

Now I get to rock him each night and cuddle him as he falls asleep.

A year ago I was worried that Alex would be horrified by the changes in my body,

Now I know that I didn't give him enough credit.

A year ago that same man who also doesn't like to talk about anything related to my lady parts helped prop me up to pump milk for our baby in the NICU, advised me on which side was still producing, then hustled it down to the NICU, every 3 hours.

Now I know that my husband would do anything for us.

A year ago I lay (in my drugged out stupor) looking at my It's A Boy sign and thought "it's not a boy - it's Zachary",

Now I can't believe how Zachary is turning into a little boy.

A year ago I told my son that we were going to have soooo much fun together,

Now I know that being with him is (almost) always fun. Watching him change and grow; discover new things and new sounds; and become more independent each day makes my days fun.

A year ago I saw entirely too much of my in-laws.

Now I would not make it without their (welcome) interference.

A year ago I didn't have any clue what a gift I was about to receive.

Now I realize that though that gift is often messy, boring, gross and tedious, I don't ever want to be without it.

A year ago I wanted a picture of my baby with his eyes open,

Now I want a picture of my baby asleep, as that is the only time he still looks like a baby.

A year ago I thought it was OK that I live 4 hours from my parents,

Now I want them to move closer. And to take my dog. (Sorry, Norman)

A year ago I couldn't imagine how my life was going to change overnight.

Now I have a hard time remembering life before him. Well, sleep I remember. And staying out late without wanting to put your head down on the bar. And being able to drink more than 2 glasses of wine without feeling tipsy. Maybe I do remember....

A year ago I thought that moms who cried on their kids birthday's were sappy and silly.

Now I just want to bury my head in the covers because my baby is a whole year old. At the same time I want to rush out to play with him because he is a year old! He can do so much and is getting more, and more, and more fun by the day.

A year ago I thought mothers of boys were lying when they said they didn't mind not having a girl,

Now I know I was an idiot.